
I’m not a Mariners fan. I’ve by no means been a Mariners fan. I’ve no intention of changing into a Mariners fan. However the first main league sport I ever attended was, in truth, a Mariners sport. Right here’s what I bear in mind from that sport: It befell on July 30, 1998 within the Kingdome. It lasted 17 innings and stretched into the next day. We had been sitting on steel bleachers, fairly excessive up. I knew that a few of the huge names on the Mariners that 12 months had been Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson and Jay Buhner. I spent most, if not all, of the sport studying a e-book as a result of I completely didn’t care about baseball. That’s it. I do know that isn’t a lot, so right here’s some photograph proof that I used to be truly there:

I’m the nine-year-old lady on the left and the one one not carrying Mariners gear. Once more, I’ve by no means been a Mariners fan. The child subsequent to me is Roger, my 13-year-old brother (sure, that outsized manchild was actually solely 13, I triple-checked the maths). He was the rationale we had been on the sport and the rationale I may title a whopping 4 Mariners.
Roger began taking part in baseball earlier than my mind began making acutely aware reminiscences, so for me, an obsession with the sport was a core element of his identification. Although we lived in northwestern Montana, he managed to play organized ball roughly six months out of the 12 months. My dad received roped into teaching his groups fairly early on. In some unspecified time in the future my mother took on official scorekeeper duties, and as if that wasn’t sufficient, all three of them received into umpiring as properly. I really can’t overstate how a lot of my childhood was spent on the ballpark, sitting on wood bleachers with my butt going numb and a e-book in my hand.
I hadn’t thought a lot about that sport, or how a lot my brother beloved the Mariners, in an excellent lengthy whereas. However then on the ultimate weekend of the 2025 common season, I used to be at T-Cellular Park, standing on the sphere throughout batting observe, ready to speak to Andrés Muñoz for an article. I used to be watching Ichiro Suzuki shag fly balls in proper area, as he usually does throughout Mariners BP.
I nonetheless discover standing on an enormous league area extremely cool despite the fact that I’ve achieved it loads of instances now; I hope it by no means stops feeling extremely cool. However on that day, it occurred to me that I wasn’t simply standing on an enormous league area, I used to be standing the place my brother’s favourite group performs, watching that group take BP and watching certainly one of that group’s legends jog round within the afternoon solar.
Although Roger and baseball are welded collectively as a single entity in my thoughts, I’ve such a glut of baseball reminiscences related to that I hardly ever ever consider him as a Mariners fan. However watching Ichiro patrol the outfield, trying mainly the identical as he all the time has, shook that reminiscence unfastened. I wasn’t simply doing a cool baseball factor, I used to be doing a cool baseball factor that may make my brother much more jealous than all the opposite cool baseball issues I’ve achieved.
That is the half the place I’ve to elucidate why I had forgotten that my brother was a Mariners fan. He didn’t cease being a fan, however he did cease current within the mortal aircraft. He died in March of 2002 on the age of 17. I used to be 13 on the time, and despite the fact that it’s been over 20 years, I nonetheless haven’t found out a “good” strategy to introduce this a part of my household historical past when, say, somebody innocuously asks if I’ve any siblings. Irrespective of how I phrase it, the dialog winds up cloaked in a number of layers of discomfort. They’re uncomfortable about dredging up a painful a part of my previous. I’m uncomfortable about my sincere reply to their query making them really feel responsible for asking, despite the fact that they couldn’t have identified. Possibly they’re uneasy with loss of life as an idea as a result of nobody near them has died. I’m self-conscious about seeming heartless as a result of I’m in no way uneasy about loss of life as an idea. I may soften the language I take advantage of, nevertheless it doesn’t make the truth any softer. Disguising loss of life in phrases like “handed away” doesn’t make loss of life any simpler to grapple with. If something, refusing to speak about loss of life utilizing exact language makes it really feel much more unfair when loss of life inevitably comes calling. I’m not an authority on any of this, however after a compelled confrontation with mortality at age 13, I do really feel entitled to be simple and perhaps even a bit glib about my lifeless brother. I’m positive he wouldn’t thoughts, so I hope you received’t both.
By early 2002, it had been 4 years since we’d sat collectively in these bleachers on the Kingdome. The 2001 season had concluded a number of months prior. Y’know the one the place the Mariners received 116 video games? Previous to this 12 months, that 2001 season was the final time the M’s had reached an ALCS. In order I spent that September afternoon watching BP, I thought of Ichiro, who received his first and solely playoff expertise with the Mariners as a rookie in 2001, and I thought of Roger, who received his first and solely expertise attending a Mariners sport on that 1998 journey to Washington.
I confess, I do have one different reminiscence from that first sport. In some unspecified time in the future throughout one of many eight further innings performed that night time, I made a decision to briefly have interaction with the sport. I requested Roger if I may have a flip with the binoculars we’d introduced. He begrudgingly handed them over, however mere moments into my survey of the stadium, he was pounding on my shoulder, desirous to know who was warming within the Mariners ‘pen. He hoped that if the sport went lengthy sufficient, Randy Johnson can be pressed into service. He was so excited on the considered seeing Johnson pitch that he couldn’t merely watch for me to get bored and relinquish the binoculars again to him (which might have taken like two minutes, tops); he needed to know instantly. That’s how stoked he was about this sport. We went to a different sport the next night time, however that was it. I’ve now been to extra video games than I can depend. He’s been to 2.
Once I inform folks my solely sibling died after we had been youngsters, nobody ever is aware of what to say, which is ok. The following time somebody finds one thing comforting to say concerning the loss of life of a beloved one would be the first. However right here’s what I’ll say concerning the expertise. It sucked an entire lot, and it continues to suck. And the suck by no means actually stops, you simply be taught to handle it higher. The factor concerning the grieving course of is that it’s not truly a course of for getting over the ache of a loss, as we’re usually led to consider. It’s extra a course of for studying to handle the ache of that loss. As a result of it’s by no means going away.
So I tailored to a model of life with out my older brother and one with manner much less baseball. No less than at first. For over a decade, I had no thought what was occurring with the Seattle Mariners or another huge league group. And why would I? Baseball was by no means my factor. That was his factor.
Because it seems, baseball may be very a lot my factor. However because the obnoxious little sister, who existed to push buttons and be a relentless contrarian, I needed to come to it by myself phrases. Later, as a teen who received calculus competitions and wished to be a author or perhaps a dancer, however in all probability a author, I didn’t suppose baseball had something for me. Nobody advised me about all of the storytelling between the white strains, or concerning the rhythm and style of infield protection, or how this sport has a lot math. Or perhaps they did, however I used to be an excessive amount of of a cussed nonconformist to pay attention. I noticed my entire household doing one thing and instantly determined that I wanted to go do one thing else.
Ultimately I discovered my strategy to baseball. I used to be dwelling in Baltimore for grad faculty and the 2012 Orioles received their talons in me. It was the narrative resonance of that group and the visible artwork on the sphere that first drew me in. Nevertheless it wasn’t lengthy earlier than I received hip to the nerdy stuff too. And the nerdy stuff was my entry level to working in baseball. Over my seven years working in and across the sport, first as a analysis analyst on the group aspect, then analyzing knowledge for MLB The Present and writing for FanGraphs, I’ve thought usually about how Roger and I each developed a love for this sport, however every in our personal distinct manner. For a very long time, I dismissed the entire endeavor within the title of individualism, however now that I’m right here, I’m extraordinarily grateful to have one thing that features as such a powerful level of connection to somebody who’s now not bodily current.
As I’ve tailored to the ache of his absence, the half that hurts essentially the most is the grownup section of sibling friendship that we by no means received to expertise collectively. The steadfast presence of baseball supplies a medium to channel that relationship in a special type, nevertheless it’s not all the time simple. And that’s why I’ve to much more explicitly acknowledge this particular Mariners squad. In over twenty years, I’ve by no means felt even barely compelled to jot down about my brother’s loss of life, despite the fact that folks write about loss of life on a regular basis, and perhaps some reader experiencing one thing comparable would have felt much less alone. I simply couldn’t determine a strategy to do it that didn’t reek of cringe. However as I lined their house playoff video games, this Seattle group poked and prodded at my emotions so many instances that it lastly triggered sufficient real emotion to jot down one thing aside from the same old stew of rote clichés.
It helps that this isn’t simply any iteration of my brother’s favourite group. As beforehand famous, the 2025 Mariners are the primary Seattle squad to make the ALCS since 2001 — the final season he was round for — and there have been echoes of the 2001 group in all places you look throughout this 12 months’s playoff run. It’s not simply Ichiro shagging fly balls throughout BP. Edgar Martinez, iconic DH for the 2001 group, who additionally has his title on a road outdoors the stadium, now serves because the Senior Director of Hitting Technique, which means he’s again in uniform on a nightly foundation (Martinez was additionally on the 1998 group and had three hits throughout that 17-inning sport). Previous to ALDS Sport 2, I discovered myself sharing an elevator with Jay Buhner, outfielder and alumni of the 2001 squad, who was available to throw out the primary pitch and was within the constructing for many, if not all, of the group’s house playoff video games this 12 months. Lou Piniella, Seattle’s supervisor in 2001, dealt with first pitch duties for ALDS Sport 1, throwing to his group’s catcher and present supervisor, Dan Wilson. Oh yeah, the 2025 Mariners are managed by actually Dan Wilson.
I don’t bear in mind if Roger ever regaled me with the stats on the again of Wilson’s baseball card, however as a fellow catcher, I’m positive he studied Wilson rigorously. Roger didn’t simply catch although. He additionally pitched. And performed third. And made for a helpful first baseman when the youngsters on the left aspect of the infield wanted a pleasant huge goal to throw to. He had the athleticism to play anyplace he was wanted, however he largely pitched and caught. I can’t offer you a full scouting report as a result of I used to be a bit child who wasn’t making an attempt to know something about baseball. However I’m assured he threw very exhausting. Whereas catching, he incessantly threw out tried base stealers at second with out bothering to face up. He felt his arm was extra correct from his knees, and his throws beat the runner even with out the facility from his decrease half. (Now think about him excitedly explaining this on the dinner desk and me rolling my eyes with a mouthful of mac and cheese, and also you’ll perceive our sibling dynamic.)
However within the late ‘90s, it didn’t matter what place a child performed, everybody’s favourite participant was The Child. Roger was no exception. As I sat within the press field earlier than ALDS Sport 5, I watched the video board because the picture of the rear fender of a automotive with a license plate that learn “24Ever” appeared on the display. It doesn’t take a Mariners fan to determine who that automotive belongs to. As Ken Griffey Jr. took the sphere in a black convertible emblazoned with teal flames, all I may take into consideration was the giddy vitality of the 13-year-old child who sat subsequent to me on the steel bleachers all these years in the past, straining to get a glimpse of his idols. And regardless of not sharing his zeal for Seattle baseball, I let that giddy vitality take maintain inside myself. No less than for a couple of minutes. Feeling I owed it to him, to expertise that second by his eyes.
There have been different instances the place I’ve made it a degree to do the issues he wasn’t in a position to, however I can’t declare that I selected to work in baseball to honor his reminiscence. I’m far too cussed to let anybody else’s goals dictate my profession path. And baseball wasn’t even my first alternative. I take a look at drove a number of different choices earlier than sticking with this one. A part of my preliminary apathy towards baseball stems from my very own aggressive spirit. If I’m not satisfied I can win, I don’t wish to play. Particularly not if my opponent is my equally aggressive older brother. So it took discovering the elements of baseball I may win at to essentially pull me in. And now I’m within the win-win state of affairs of getting to brag for making it additional within the sport than he did whereas getting to hold the household baseball legacy in his stead.
Which brings me to the star of this 12 months’s Mariner squad: Cal Raleigh. A catcher like my brother, but in addition somebody who, like me, carries a household baseball legacy. Throughout the postgame press convention following ALCS Sport 5, Raleigh was requested concerning the significance of his jersey quantity. As I listened from my seat within the second row of the interview room, I in all probability I shouldn’t have been stunned to be taught that right here was one more thread tugging at my emotional connection to this group. In any case, loss of life is a common expertise all of us unenthusiastically share. However even nonetheless, I felt the Jenga tower in my mind begin to wobble as I listened to Raleigh clarify that he wears no. 29 in honor of his uncle, who handed away at a younger age. It occurred properly earlier than Cal was born, however he emphasised the outsized influence his dad’s brother had on their complete household. It’s one more sudden connection to this group, understanding that Raleigh understands what it’s like when a baseball household loses a ballplaying brother, that he has a ballplaying brother of his personal, and that he too, “nearly [by] coincidence” (as he famous in his reply to the query) wound up honoring that legacy along with his personal profession by carrying no. 29 on his again.
I do know my brother can be equal elements aggravated and pleased with every little thing I’ve achieved in baseball. In the event you paused in confusion questioning why he’d be aggravated, it goes again to the entire aggressive sibling rivalry factor. We by no means talked about it, however I’m positive he dreamed of constructing it to the large leagues at some point. As an alternative, his little sister, who grumbled about spending all summer season on the ballpark, is the one with a Nationwide League Championship ring with our household title etched on the aspect. So yeah, he’d be aggravated that I beat him at his personal sport. However he’d undoubtedly be simply as proud too. Similar to he was proud when my dance group received at nationals and he watched me stroll off the aircraft carrying a trophy twice as huge as something he’d received taking part in baseball.
And although I can think about how he’d react and what our relationship can be like now, I’m unhappy that I haven’t gotten to expertise these reactions firsthand or share in any of baseball’s highs and lows with him. However the 2025 Seattle Mariners opened up a portal that introduced me nearer to that model of actuality than I assumed doable. Baseball, like life, is marred by loss. So regardless of a disappointing finish to the season, the Mariners did what all nice baseball groups do. They furnished the kind of shared expertise that connects folks and bonds them collectively, each within the right here and now and throughout the a long time. For that, I owe them one. So for the primary (and doubtless final) time ever, I depart you with a hearty, GOMS!